DOES DIVORCE HAVE TO HURT CHILDREN

ROBERT P. GRANACHER, JR., M.D.

PARENTS' MARITAL QUALITY AND STABILITY AND ITS EFFECT UPON CHILDREN (Amato and Booth, 1997).

After remaining stable throughout the 1950s, the divorce rate in the United States increased in the 1960s, doubled between 1966 and 1976, and then leveled off during the 1980s at a historically high level.

The rise was at least partially due to the fact that barriers to marital dissolution became weaker, as reflected in growing community tolerance of divorce, the introduction of no-fault divorce laws and the rising economic independence of women. However, it is also likely that a decline in marital quality contributed to the upward trend in divorce.

Increases in marital tension during this period are associated with:

1. The eroding financial security of many families.
2. The conflicting gender-role expectations held by many husbands and wives.
3. An increase in standards for what constitutes a successful marriage, thus making satisfactory marriages more difficult to attain.
4. A weakening commitment to the norm of lifelong marriage that may have lessened some people's willingness to put time and effort into making their marriages work.

The data of Amato and Booth show that the long-term consequences of discord in the parents affect children pervasively and consistently in a detrimental fashion. A contentious relationship between the parents is associated with the following problems ill children:

1. The children perceive a problem in the relationship with their mothers or fathers.
2. Children have more difficulties in dating, have fewer dates, more difficulty finding dating partners, and less happiness with their current dating partner.
3. When the children marry, their marital quality is less. They report less happiness, less interaction, more conflict, more problems and more divorce proneness.
4. The probability of the children breaking off their marital relationship is increased.
5. There is less social integration in the children presenting itself as less church involvement, smaller networks of close kin and friends, and less community attachment.
6. Children from contentious marital backgrounds tend to get less education than their control group peers.
7. Children of dysfunctional marriages have poorer psychological well-being and demonstrate greater psychological distress, lower self esteem, less happiness and lower life satisfaction.

These results suggest that the parents' marital unhappiness and discord have a broad and negative impact on virtually every dimension of offspring well-being.

Obviously, if the parents divorce, this has a negative consequence for offspring. However, the divorce itself does not seem to be as pervasive in its negative impact on children as are the effects of their parents' marital quality. Low parental marital quality lowers offspring well-being; parental divorce lowers it even further.

CAN PARENTAL DIVORCE BENEFIT CHILDREN?

The study of Amato and Booth covers families between 1930 and 1992. There were some positive outcomes. Parental divorce seems to benefit children in certain ways if it removes them from a discordant parental household. This finding has been supported by a recent longitudinal study based on the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth, showing essentially the same result among children that was found in the Amato and Booth study (Jekielek, 1966).

WHAT PROPORTION OF DIVORCES ARE PRECEDED BY A LONG PERIOD OF OVERT INTERPARENTAL CONFLICT, AND HENCE, ARE BENEFICIAL TO CHILDREN?

The data of Booth and Amato suggest that less than a third of parental divorces involve highly conflicted marriages. In this study, only 28% of parents who divorced reported any sort of spousal physical abuse. Only 30% reported more than two serious quarrels in the month prior to their filing for divorce. Only 23% reported that they disagreed "often" or "very often" with their spouses. These data suggest that only a minority of divorces between 1930 and 1992 involve high conflict marriages.

If divorce were limited only to high-conflict marriages, then divorce would generally be in the children's best interest. If on the other hand, since one-half of all marriages today end in divorce, this suggests that high conflict is not the case for the elevated divorce rate.

Instead, with marital dissolution becoming increasingly socially acceptable, it is likely that people are leaving marriages at lower thresholds of unhappiness now than in the past. Unfortunately, these are the very divorces that are most likely to be stressful for children.

The Amato and Booth study concludes that the rise in marital disruption, although beneficial to some children, has, in balance, been detrimental to children.

Furthermore. if the threshold of marital unhappiness required to trigger a divorce continues to decline. then outcomes for children of divorced parents may become more problematic in the future.

IF DIVORCE IS INEVITABLE, HOW CAN WE HELP OUT CHILDREN ADJUST?

If you are divorcing, it is very important to keep the best interests of the child in mind, because they will be distressed by the situation. For one thing, the children still will need both parents, unless one parent has problems that place the child in danger. The following ideas may help you reduce the negative consequences of divorce for your children.

Help your children share and deal with their feelings. Let your child express feelings about the divorce. He or she may shout and throw tantrums, but that's normal. Parents should not deny or belittle these feelings, or the children won't have the opportunity to work through them. Children need time to grieve at losing some of the "connectedness" of their family, and you will need patience as they adjust.

The children will need reassurance. Parents need to take time to help their children work through the following ideas and concerns.

1. It's not the children's fault that their parents are getting a divorce. They could not have prevented it. There is nothing they can do to change the situation.
2. The parents still love their children and will be involved in their lives.
3. The children's lives will change after a divorce. Discuss what those changes will be.
4. Divorce does not mean children have to choose between parents. Living arrangements should be discussed, so the children know they will spend time with both parents.
5. Children don't have to take sides when parents disagree. The conflict is between the parents.
6. The children may be upset, sad or depressed sometimes, but they need to know that their parents will be there to listen and help them deal with their feelings.
7. The children may be embarrassed by the divorce. They need to understand that it's okay to tell their friends about the divorce. it's not a secret, and they are not bad for talking about it.
8. The rules may be different when with each parent, but the children should understand what the basic rules are for each home.

HOW CAN WE HELP OUR CHILDREN COPE WITH LIVING IN SEPARATE HOMES?

Sharing the care of your child with the other biological parent is often a challenge. You may question the other's methods and/or have feelings about him/her based on your experiences that make it difficult for you to cope with the arrangements that have been made. The following is a list of guidelines that may help you to look at the situation from your child's viewpoint, enable you to encourage smooth transitions, and to communicate your needs.

1. Recognize the importance of the other biological parent and appreciate your child's need to love that parent.
2. Speak positively of the other parent in front of your child.
3. Let your child know that he/she can count on you for support.
4. If your views differ from those of the other parent, discuss your differences in the absence of your child.
5. Acknowledge your child's feelings. Consider the situation from your child's point of view. Provide a listening ear and respond in a non-judgmental manner. Avoid telling your child how to feel or offering solutions that you are unable to meet.
6. If visits to the other parent are irregular, help your child prepare emotionally by talking about it in advance. If your child experiences discomfort, always acknowledge his/her feelings as okay.
7. Help to ease the transition from one parent to the other for yourself and for yourself and your child.
      i) if necessary, arrange for pick-up and drop-off site
      ii) you may find it easier to have someone else meet the other parent with your child
      iii) provide your child with a transitional object (stuffed animal may comfort and remind your child of home)
      iv) give your child the telephone number where you can be reached and invite him/her to call
8. Be willing to discuss any problems that arise during the transition between homes.
9. Recognize that your child may need time to adjust upon arrival at each home. Your child will likely communicate his/her comfort level through behavior.
10. When your child returns home, he/she may need time to talk about the time shared with the other parent. If so, it is important just to listen. Avoid criticizing the intentions of the other parent.
11. Avoid encouraging your child to communicate to the other parent for you. If you are uncomfortable communicating yourself, seek the assistance of a friend or professional to relate information.
12. Be flexible. As your child grows, his/her needs change. Time becomes filled with more friends and activities. Both parents need to understand and accept your child's changing needs.

HOW CAN OUR CHURCHES HELP US WITH DIVORCE AND CHILDHOOD ADJUSTMENT TO DIVORCE?

We have seen that children of divorce often have less church attachment. It is useful for churches to focus specifically upon the family unit, and in particular, those families whose children are the products of divorce or young families in the church where the parents are the products of divorce.

However, churches could be of even greater importance in their public support for change in divorce legislation. Numerous states are considering legislation that would place restrictions on no-fault divorce. Proponents of this change argue that the two-parent family is the ideal one for raising children; consequently, it is necessary to make divorce harder to get in order to slow down the rate of divorce and increase the number of children living with both parents.

However, the findings of Amato and Booth in particular suggest that this view is too simple. As divorce is advantageous for children under some circumstances, that is, when children are within a highly conflicted marriage. The data of Amato and Booth suggest that between one-fourth and one-third of marriages that dissolve may be in this category.

However, churches could have great impact for the preponderant number of couples who end their marriages at relatively low thresholds of unhappiness, perhaps to seek greater personal fulfillment with new partners. Current research suggests that many children from these low conflict divorces experience adverse effects that last far into adulthood. Therefore, rather than introducing legislation to restrict access to divorce, since it is unlikely to make unhappily married couples want to stay together, it is probably better to focus upon policies that support marriage. For instance, policies that improve education, income and workplace situations can improve the raising of children for both the mother and the father.

Churches can assist in the provision of greater access to marriage and family counseling, family and marriage instruction, and the general focus upon the importance of the family as the appropriate place to raise children. Within this context, focusing on children diverts the parents from thinking exclusively about themselves. Since most parents are concerned about their children's well-being, they have an incentive to frame the problem for what's in the best interest of their children. By concentrating on how they can improve their children's lives, marital couples participate in a joint activity that may provide a feeling of individual achievement as well as an appreciation of the contribution of their spouse. For couples on the brink of divorce, a shared goal maintaining their children's well-being may increase the chances of reconciliation. Churches should focus upon the principle that reconciliation is a viable and preferable alternative to divorce for unhappy couples.

Most experts today recommend that churches, governments, community organizations and employers work together to ensure that all unhappily married couples have access to counseling that is both affordable and child centered. Second Presbyterian Church has taken a leadership role within our community in this direction. It is publicly espousing, in concert with many other Lexington churches, the fundamental importance of marriage and it emphasizes the factors, both religious and nonreligious, that enhance marriage quality and improve the environment in which children are raised.

1. Amato, P and Booth, A: A Generation at Risk: Growing Up in an Era of Family Upheaval. Harvard University Press, Cambridge, Massachusetts, 1997.

2. Jekielek, S: The Relative and Interactive Impacts of Parental Conflict and Marital Disruption on Children's Emotional Well-Being. Paper presented at the Annual Meeting of the American Sociological Association, New York, 1966.

3. Duncan, S: Family Mailers: Helping Children Adjust to Divorce, Montana State University Communication Services, 1996. carolf@montana.edu.

4. Supportive Ideas for Raising Your Child in Separate Homes, Family Service Canada, 1996. http://www.cfc-efc.ca/docs/00000451.htm